Letting Go of Expectations: Loving Our Adult Children As They Are

When I was growing up, I was instilled with a deep sense of family. I’m the youngest of eight children, and I took for granted the large family gatherings—holidays, birthdays, picnics, or just because someone was visiting from out of town. There was always laughter, food, and the comforting sense that we belonged to one another.

But as we all grew older, our families grew too. Children had children of their own. Schedules became packed. New traditions were created. And gradually, the celebrations grew smaller and smaller.

That shift was hard to name at first. It just happened. And yet, underneath it, I began to feel something familiar to many: the ache of changed connection, the quiet sadness that comes when we realize life doesn’t circle around the same center anymore.

The Weight of Unspoken Expectations

We may not even realize the expectations we’ve placed on our adult children—until they’re unmet. We expected holidays together. We expected phone calls on Sundays. We expected gratitude. Or closeness. Or just... more.

It was easy to feel resentful, unloved, unappreciated—especially when I saw other adult children spending time with their parents. I found myself wondering, What did I do wrong? Why not me? It’s always easier to focus on what we don’t have. To compare. To grieve what we imagined family would look like in this season.

But expectations, especially unspoken ones, can quietly rob us of peace. They tie our happiness to someone else's choices—choices we can’t control. They often set us up for heartache, even when no harm was intended.

Letting go of expectations doesn’t mean giving up on love. It means making space for what is, instead of being constantly disappointed by what isn’t.

Shifting from Expectation to Acceptance

1. Acknowledge the grief.
There’s often real grief in this process—grief over what we hoped for, what we imagined, what we feel we’ve lost. It’s okay to name that and sit with it gently.

2. Release the stories.
Not calling doesn’t mean they don’t love you. Being busy doesn’t mean they’re ungrateful. Life moves fast, and everyone is carrying more than we know. Let go of the stories that make your heart hurt more.

3. Love without condition.
When we let go of needing them to act a certain way in order to feel loved, we free both them and ourselves. We can love with open hands instead of tight fists.

4. Reclaim your center.
You are still whole. Still needed. Still worthy of love, connection, and purpose. Let their distance be an invitation to turn toward your life, your joy, your growth—not just theirs.

A Quiet Truth

The more we release expectations, the more room we make for real connection—the kind that’s not based on guilt, obligation, or disappointment, but on mutual respect, space, and presence.

Sometimes the greatest act of love is to let someone go… not away, but free. Free to return, if and when they’re ready, in a way that’s real and heartfelt.

You can still love them fully, without holding onto how it should look.

At Silver Sage Coaching, I create space for these kinds of transitions—emotional, complex, and often unspoken. If you're navigating the shifting landscape of family life in your later years, you don’t have to do it alone.

Let’s talk.
There’s peace to be found, and purpose to be reclaimed—even here.